People often - well, sometimes - well, once - look, it's a figure of speech, all right?
People often ask why we at the PPC are so hung up on Jay and Acacia. What is it that makes them the iconic Assassins, or even Agents? Why were they special? Acacia was barely with the Protectors two years; why are these two so emblematic of our organisation? Actually, it's quite simple:
They were the first.
Not the first PPC Agents - that was Elizabeth, Anya, and Osbert, way back in the day. Nor were they the original Assassins, or anything like that. But they were the first to write it down. The very first mission report ever released on the Network was Jay and Acacia's. Actually, the first half dozen or so were all theirs, before other agents caught onto the idea.
Mission: Rambling Band
Agents: Jay Thorntree and Acacia Byrd, DMS
Continuum: Lord of the Rings
It is hard, now, to remember how things were back in Jay and Acacia's time. It had only been a few years since the Reorganisation, and the PPC had not truly recovered. We were more like a loosely-associated collection of departments than a true organisation, and what went on under the direction of the other Flowers was something of a mystery. If you were a Slasher (so the thought went), your business was to know about Bad Slash. You talked mostly to other Slashers, studied only techniques related to Bad Slash stories... we were insular.
Jay and Acacia changed all that. They talked to everyone, whatever their department, and when they wrote their first mission report, they tailored it to provide an introduction to the 'secrets' of the Department of Mary-Sues. Thus, we have the famous introduction:
"It's happened again." Jay leaned back from her console, indicating a flashing red light. "Someone's mucking with the plot continuum."
Acacia sighed. "Exactly what is so wrong with the canon that everyone wants to break it?" she demanded rhetorically. "Which world?"
"Lord of the Rings." Jay winced. "The massacre of Tolkien continues. We have... a Mary Sue."
And later, lines such as:
"[...] I don't think we can do the Duty until they're out of Rivendell."
"Why?" said Acacia, knowing the reason full well but wanting it explained again anyway.
"They haven't officially ruined the continuum until they've joined the Fellowship. Be patient."
Far be it from me to accuse the famous Assassins of lying, but these don't really sound like the sort of things people would say. They sound like what they are: an introduction to the workings of the DMS, a way for unfamiliar readers to get a grip on what Jay and Acacia did for a living.
Of course, simply writing a 'Beginner's Guide to Mary-Sue Assassination' wouldn't have been enough for their purposes. A bad, or worse, uninteresting mission report would have soured HQ to the whole concept. But Jay and Acacia were up to the challenge; even more than their dialogue, the narration reveals their frankly wicked sense of humour:
[Acacia] fired. Laurel, being a Mary Sue, didn't intend to die so easily and dodged. That was why the shot went into her shoulder, and not her heart. (Meanwhile, the men of the party had as a body rushed forward to save her; things would have gone pear shaped if another orc hadn't strolled out of the bushes, tripped Legolas, and watched the rest of them fall over him.)
Acacia's poison could kill a full-grown man in seconds with only a few drops. That was why it didn't matter. Acacia's poison had several other lovely redeeming features; for one, it paralyzed the vocal cords, snuffing any risk of tear-jerking "dying words."
And their spoken lines reveal the combatative cameraderie that made them such a compelling team to read about:
Jay gasped. "That's... that's not right... Arwen doesn't act like that... why the hell is she putting the bint in a gown?"
"Since when do the males wear robes?" Acacia volunteered. "They certainly weren't in robes when I read the story. And it doesn't matter that Arwen doesn't act like that, we wouldn't be here at all if the canon were intact."
Apart from the sheer entertainment and delight I find in reading it, 'Rambling Band' is interesting for another reason: it shows how the PPC has changed since the Flowers became able to read exactly what happened in our missions. Acacia thought nothing of calling the writer of Rambling Band 'crazy', which nowadays would be seen as a flame worthy of a reprimand, and the entire Charge List for this iconic mission runs as follows:
The Fellowship stared as the orc began to recite: "It is my duty to inform you that you have been charged with disrupting the canon by joining the Fellowship, bringing twenty-first century knowledge to Middle-earth, interfering with the characters of... at least ten people, so I won't list them all, but most severely Legolas and Boromir; and also being a Mary Sue."
Some of these changes are undoubtedly for the better - we should never flame, even in the slightest - but others are more ambiguous. Do we need a ten-foot-long charge list read out for each mission? The Flowers seem to think we do, but I'm not so sure...
'Rambling Band' is iconic. It was the beginning of a wave of change that is still sweeping through HQ. And it introduced the PPC to the magnificent Jay Thorntree and Acacia Byrd. It - and every other mission report by this legendary team - is well worth a (re)read.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist - and long-time fan
Friday, 12 July 2013
Friday, 26 April 2013
An Unexpected Companion
Another day, another sheaf of paper slipped under my door...
Mission: An Unexpected Companion
Agents: Christianne Shieh and Eledhwen Elerossiel, DMS
Continuum: The Hobbit
I find myself somewhat drawn to this pair of agents, particularly Eledhwen. I think it's because, unlike many non-human agents, she hasn't thrown out her upbringing just because she's joined the PPC. Beginning early with her partner noting that she was essentially homesick, she displays a consistent love of and familiarity with Middle-earth that isn't often seen.
Her idioms are clearly retained from her former life - "she has to act like a wraith," Eledhwen says of Kestrel the Mary-Sue - and it's clear that her mindset is still that of Middle-earth. One of her strongest protests is at Gandalf being referred to as 'a magician' - "He is no more a magician than I am an elfling," Eledhwen declares. Later she refers, apparently entirely naturally, to the dwarves as 'the sons of Aulë'.
Of the three features which stuck out to me from this report, Eledhwen's representation is likely the most cheering. The second, unfortunately, is rather less positive, since this mission seems set to become a major part of the Kill And Scram debate.
Many years ago, the renowned Jay Thorntree was fond of the phrase 'major break in canon'. She and her partner took great care to never kill a Mary-Sue before such a break occurred - usually the Sue joining the Fellowship of the Ring. The key point was that something which happened before the story began - something which was part of the background to the plot, as it were - rarely counted as a 'major break'.
In more recent times, the guidelines Jay and Acacia followed have been stretched and bent, and this mission is a clear example of how far they can be pushed. Very little plot is seen - a Mary-Sue buys a necklace, lands in Middle-earth, and is promptly arrested. Yes, three noble dwarves have been torn from their final rest - but this took place before the story began. By the Thorntree Test, no major break has yet occurred.
In my opinion (and I am aware that the argument is raging in some corners of HQ), the problem here is that a mission, and by extension its report, is not designed simply to punish and excise bad writing: its true purpose is to show why it is a problem. Especially in a case where the spelling and grammar are (mostly) adequate, I would argue that it is essential to let the badfic run long enough for the consequences to become apparent. Why is it a problem that Mary-Sues come to Rivendell? Because they join the Fellowship of the Ring in defiance of canon. Why is it a problem that Thorin and his nephews are resurrected? We assume because they are then seduced - but because of the 'Kill And Scram' approach the agents took to this particular mission, we are not allowed to see.
Related to this debate is the question of how much of a badfic should be shown in a mission report. Christianne and Eledhwen's report gives a total of seven quotes, and a handful of narrative glosses. The rest of the badfic is conveyed entirely in the agents' commentary.
In many ways, this is a good thing. As seen in the direct quotes, there is nothing inherently interesting in the badfic's writing style, and the instances which are quoted include most of the 'bad writing causes unexpected effects' moments. The narrative glosses, and the agents' discussion, convey the majority of the plot well.
In other places, though, some more quoting would have made the difference between a good report and a great one. A notable instance is the transition between World One and Middle-earth - Eledhwen notes that 'most Sues do not take this much effort into describing their transition into Middle-earth', but we do not get to see this description, merely a summary of it. This has a negative impact on both the entertainment value of the report - is 'the sky above began to mimic a bathtub with the plug pulled' a semi-quote, or an amusing interpretation? We have no hints - and also the educational value. A report should highlight and dissect particular problems with a badfic - not merely provide an outlet for the agents' complaints.
I'm aware that I rather derailed this review into a continuation of the two parallel debates. Allow me to emphasise that these were not a primary concern in reading the report: it's only because both topics have been widely discussed in HQ that I noticed them at all. In the end, I read this report to be entertained, and I was. I was also, in places, deeply moved:
“I don’t want to go,” whimpered Kíli. Eledhwen swallowed thickly at the sight of the three suddenly-dying Dwarves. Christianne crouched at Kíli’s head, looking down at him with saddened eyes.
Many agents would have passed over this moment, both in their report and in the mission itself. It is a credit to Agents Christianne and Eledhwen that they noted, helped, and in a way mourned the passing of these canon characters. Their emotion comes through clearly in the writing, and affects the reader in the same way. This (to return to the terms of the debates above) is PPC writing at its best: the dreadful impact of the badfic is brought to the fore, and its true consequences allowed to play out. How many agents have been tempted to try and avert their favourite character's death? And yet none have done so. This is the meaning of the PPC - to understand the difference between desire and reality, between wish and will - and this mission captures it perfectly.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
Mission: An Unexpected Companion
Agents: Christianne Shieh and Eledhwen Elerossiel, DMS
Continuum: The Hobbit
I find myself somewhat drawn to this pair of agents, particularly Eledhwen. I think it's because, unlike many non-human agents, she hasn't thrown out her upbringing just because she's joined the PPC. Beginning early with her partner noting that she was essentially homesick, she displays a consistent love of and familiarity with Middle-earth that isn't often seen.
Her idioms are clearly retained from her former life - "she has to act like a wraith," Eledhwen says of Kestrel the Mary-Sue - and it's clear that her mindset is still that of Middle-earth. One of her strongest protests is at Gandalf being referred to as 'a magician' - "He is no more a magician than I am an elfling," Eledhwen declares. Later she refers, apparently entirely naturally, to the dwarves as 'the sons of Aulë'.
Of the three features which stuck out to me from this report, Eledhwen's representation is likely the most cheering. The second, unfortunately, is rather less positive, since this mission seems set to become a major part of the Kill And Scram debate.
Many years ago, the renowned Jay Thorntree was fond of the phrase 'major break in canon'. She and her partner took great care to never kill a Mary-Sue before such a break occurred - usually the Sue joining the Fellowship of the Ring. The key point was that something which happened before the story began - something which was part of the background to the plot, as it were - rarely counted as a 'major break'.
In more recent times, the guidelines Jay and Acacia followed have been stretched and bent, and this mission is a clear example of how far they can be pushed. Very little plot is seen - a Mary-Sue buys a necklace, lands in Middle-earth, and is promptly arrested. Yes, three noble dwarves have been torn from their final rest - but this took place before the story began. By the Thorntree Test, no major break has yet occurred.
In my opinion (and I am aware that the argument is raging in some corners of HQ), the problem here is that a mission, and by extension its report, is not designed simply to punish and excise bad writing: its true purpose is to show why it is a problem. Especially in a case where the spelling and grammar are (mostly) adequate, I would argue that it is essential to let the badfic run long enough for the consequences to become apparent. Why is it a problem that Mary-Sues come to Rivendell? Because they join the Fellowship of the Ring in defiance of canon. Why is it a problem that Thorin and his nephews are resurrected? We assume because they are then seduced - but because of the 'Kill And Scram' approach the agents took to this particular mission, we are not allowed to see.
Related to this debate is the question of how much of a badfic should be shown in a mission report. Christianne and Eledhwen's report gives a total of seven quotes, and a handful of narrative glosses. The rest of the badfic is conveyed entirely in the agents' commentary.
In many ways, this is a good thing. As seen in the direct quotes, there is nothing inherently interesting in the badfic's writing style, and the instances which are quoted include most of the 'bad writing causes unexpected effects' moments. The narrative glosses, and the agents' discussion, convey the majority of the plot well.
In other places, though, some more quoting would have made the difference between a good report and a great one. A notable instance is the transition between World One and Middle-earth - Eledhwen notes that 'most Sues do not take this much effort into describing their transition into Middle-earth', but we do not get to see this description, merely a summary of it. This has a negative impact on both the entertainment value of the report - is 'the sky above began to mimic a bathtub with the plug pulled' a semi-quote, or an amusing interpretation? We have no hints - and also the educational value. A report should highlight and dissect particular problems with a badfic - not merely provide an outlet for the agents' complaints.
I'm aware that I rather derailed this review into a continuation of the two parallel debates. Allow me to emphasise that these were not a primary concern in reading the report: it's only because both topics have been widely discussed in HQ that I noticed them at all. In the end, I read this report to be entertained, and I was. I was also, in places, deeply moved:
“I don’t want to go,” whimpered Kíli. Eledhwen swallowed thickly at the sight of the three suddenly-dying Dwarves. Christianne crouched at Kíli’s head, looking down at him with saddened eyes.
Many agents would have passed over this moment, both in their report and in the mission itself. It is a credit to Agents Christianne and Eledhwen that they noted, helped, and in a way mourned the passing of these canon characters. Their emotion comes through clearly in the writing, and affects the reader in the same way. This (to return to the terms of the debates above) is PPC writing at its best: the dreadful impact of the badfic is brought to the fore, and its true consequences allowed to play out. How many agents have been tempted to try and avert their favourite character's death? And yet none have done so. This is the meaning of the PPC - to understand the difference between desire and reality, between wish and will - and this mission captures it perfectly.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Interlude - The Mini-Mogget Adoption Agency
Oh, are we still doing this? I thought that filing error had been sorted out.
Apparently not. Now not only am I receiving copies of random people's... heck, this isn't even a mission report, just a 'here's what I've been up to' sort of thing... but I'm also being sent copies of other people's responses to them. What am I expected to do with that? Post them? Read them and laugh? Eat them? Who knows.
Report: The Mini-Mogget Adoption Agency
Agents: Skeet and Amy, DMS
Continuum: None, but mentioning Abhorsen
I have to admit, even though I still have no idea why this stuff is being forwarded to me, that I found this report quite funny. Unlike some agents, Skeet and/or Amy (I don't know which one wrote this up - the usual Third Person Past Tense problem) is actually capable of writing down speech the way it was said, rather than describing themselves as declaiming great works every time they open their mouth. Of course, in some cases that could be a bad thing, but Skeet and Amy are genuinely funny, with... well, I get told off for saying 'chemistry', but you know what I mean.
I do get the feeling the recorder has understated a few things - in particular, despite the fact that there are apparently thirty-odd mini-Moggets running around the room, they spend remarkably little time underfoot. Clearly the recorder has simply avoided the repetition of writing "and then I tripped over a mini" a dozen times, but it still registered. Given how much space /three/ mini-Balrogs can take up when they get together (back when Agent Illian's RC was a regular playground for Thanduril, Witchking and Elberath), I refuse to believe the mini-Moggets were that quiet.
But I'm not really the one who's responding to this report. When it came through my door, it had a sheet of yellow note-paper clipped to it. I've reproduced it below.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
Dear Agents Skeet & Amy,
I have read your report with great interest - and by interest I mean rising fury. Are you aware of how long proper concrit takes to make? Even after we manage to track down enough reviews which actually give it - no easy task, I tell you, since a square meter of concrit takes approximately a hundred and ten lines of good-quality source material - we have to grind up the generic rocks (which of course necessitates going into a badfic which features them - and yes, we have to do this ourselves even though we're Infrastructure, not Action), source the blessed water (it doesn't matter who blesses it, of course - it's the blessing itself that acts as a binding agent - but most priests balk at the idea of blessing a hundred tonnes of water at a go), and mix the whole thing together, which is nowhere near as easy as it sounds.
And what do you do with all our hard work? You go and slice gigantic holes through it. Never mind that using a chainsaw on concrit will set up resonances that weaken the structure of the whole wall - never mind that a lot of the piping and wiring for HQ (yes, we do have that stuff, what did you think the place ran on - magic?) runs through those walls - never mind that if you had bothered to ask, we'd've been more than happy to make you a proper door - no, you just go lashing out with your power tools while making comments like "what Building Maintenance didn’t see, wouldn’t bother them", "They can get kind of... funny... about stuff like this", and "What, you think that we’re gonna get in twice as much trouble because we made the hole twice as big?"
To which, by the way, the answers are 'Yes it will', 'Yes, we do', and 'Yes, you very much are'.
But hey, it's not all bad. At least you had a good time, set up an adoption centre for your pet cats, and, oh yeah, mentioned your RC number in your report. I'll be seeing you shortly.
Yours in aggravated anticipation,
Agent Colt, Department of Operations, Building Maintenance
Apparently not. Now not only am I receiving copies of random people's... heck, this isn't even a mission report, just a 'here's what I've been up to' sort of thing... but I'm also being sent copies of other people's responses to them. What am I expected to do with that? Post them? Read them and laugh? Eat them? Who knows.
Report: The Mini-Mogget Adoption Agency
Agents: Skeet and Amy, DMS
Continuum: None, but mentioning Abhorsen
I have to admit, even though I still have no idea why this stuff is being forwarded to me, that I found this report quite funny. Unlike some agents, Skeet and/or Amy (I don't know which one wrote this up - the usual Third Person Past Tense problem) is actually capable of writing down speech the way it was said, rather than describing themselves as declaiming great works every time they open their mouth. Of course, in some cases that could be a bad thing, but Skeet and Amy are genuinely funny, with... well, I get told off for saying 'chemistry', but you know what I mean.
I do get the feeling the recorder has understated a few things - in particular, despite the fact that there are apparently thirty-odd mini-Moggets running around the room, they spend remarkably little time underfoot. Clearly the recorder has simply avoided the repetition of writing "and then I tripped over a mini" a dozen times, but it still registered. Given how much space /three/ mini-Balrogs can take up when they get together (back when Agent Illian's RC was a regular playground for Thanduril, Witchking and Elberath), I refuse to believe the mini-Moggets were that quiet.
But I'm not really the one who's responding to this report. When it came through my door, it had a sheet of yellow note-paper clipped to it. I've reproduced it below.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
Dear Agents Skeet & Amy,
I have read your report with great interest - and by interest I mean rising fury. Are you aware of how long proper concrit takes to make? Even after we manage to track down enough reviews which actually give it - no easy task, I tell you, since a square meter of concrit takes approximately a hundred and ten lines of good-quality source material - we have to grind up the generic rocks (which of course necessitates going into a badfic which features them - and yes, we have to do this ourselves even though we're Infrastructure, not Action), source the blessed water (it doesn't matter who blesses it, of course - it's the blessing itself that acts as a binding agent - but most priests balk at the idea of blessing a hundred tonnes of water at a go), and mix the whole thing together, which is nowhere near as easy as it sounds.
And what do you do with all our hard work? You go and slice gigantic holes through it. Never mind that using a chainsaw on concrit will set up resonances that weaken the structure of the whole wall - never mind that a lot of the piping and wiring for HQ (yes, we do have that stuff, what did you think the place ran on - magic?) runs through those walls - never mind that if you had bothered to ask, we'd've been more than happy to make you a proper door - no, you just go lashing out with your power tools while making comments like "what Building Maintenance didn’t see, wouldn’t bother them", "They can get kind of... funny... about stuff like this", and "What, you think that we’re gonna get in twice as much trouble because we made the hole twice as big?"
To which, by the way, the answers are 'Yes it will', 'Yes, we do', and 'Yes, you very much are'.
But hey, it's not all bad. At least you had a good time, set up an adoption centre for your pet cats, and, oh yeah, mentioned your RC number in your report. I'll be seeing you shortly.
Yours in aggravated anticipation,
Agent Colt, Department of Operations, Building Maintenance
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
AHAIRQL Recruitment Stories
Okay, now I’m sure someone’s just messing with me. There is no possible reason for me to be posted three documents describing the recruitment of teams for some game or other. None at all. But they just came! I’m going to have to have a word with the Marquis de Sod one of these days. But until then, a hobby is a hobby…
Reports: AHAIRQL Season Two Recruitment Stories Two, Three and Four
Agents: Too many to count
Continuum: None. PPC HQ
Story Two: Team BOTB
(I don’t know why I didn’t get ‘Story’ One. Maybe there isn’t one. This is HQ, after all)
I’m quite taken by the recruitment method adopted by Team BOTB; the poster described in the story definitely makes an impression, and I’m glad it makes a second appearance (with a joke thrown in, thank you, Doc). I also find the interactions of the agents amusing – even the ones who do not end up on the team. I have no idea who Miah and, ah, Maria are, but they entertain me, which is the purpose of this whole exercise.
One thing that does strike me about this work is the sheer number of agents involved; it can be hard to keep track of them. Indeed, I think the chronicler had the same problem – Agent Vania vanishes from the narrative completely. Did she leave the room, or was she still testing her bat? It’s impossible to say, but she seems the sort who would normally have spoken up.
However, that is a very minor detail in a highly enjoyable story. If the Powers That Be choose to send them my way, I would be quite happy to read more about these agents – particularly all together.
Story Three: Team Nevermind
I confess to being rather confused by this report, as it clearly has two authors. It is evident from the very beginning that there is a certain lack of… shall we say flair in some lines. Four agents in a row are given lines with very little emotion in them – it feels as though all four are speaking in a dull monotone (including the one who ‘comments’ an exclamation – very strange). This is not to say that there is a technical problem with the writing – it is perfectly sound – but it does not grab my attention, as it were.
But then, just as I’m about to give up hope, I come to our first team-member, Agent Earwig (I think that’s right). He is, to put it bluntly, hilarious: his internal monologue (brief though it may be) caught my eye, and I was hooked.
This strange dichotomy continues to the next section. Compare, if you will, these paragraphs:
"Hi," he said. "I'm Earwig Slugthrower and I wanted to know if you would be interested in joining my Something Something Australian Quidditch thing!"
And
"Six players? Quidditch has seven positions." She shrugged. "Must be an Australian variant." Decima tried to think of who might be interested in team sports. Mirrad didn't seem the type, and it might be weird playing on a team with her therapist. She had no idea where Phobos had gotten off to…
Earwig has a manic energy that captivates me – and, clearly, does the same to Decima, since she agrees to join his team with barely a second’s thought. But when her thoughts do come, they are… well, boring. She doesn’t question the difference in the game, and her list of potential players is just that: a list, with no real emotion (it might ‘be weird’ – but what about ‘feel weird’?). I’m positive she has emotions – most people do – but she’s clearly suppressing them heavily. This continues throughout the narrative – I won’t keep citing.
As often happens, the appearance of other characters offsets the dissatisfaction I feel. Ilraen and Nume are highly amusing together, and Ilraen seems to have a rare ability to bounce lines off anyone and everyone – I get the impression that, whoever he ends up spending time with, he is always worth watching. The four agents who appear at the end are also entertaining, although this may be somewhat due to their non-human personalities (and, bizarrely, Earwig seems to succumb to Decima’s lack of emotive writing). I find Kur’nak and his smelting almost endearing – even if he is an Orc.
Story Four: Team... Blast Hardcheese?
At last, a name I recognise! The (in)famous Agent Suicide, HQ's onetime biggest heartthrob, makes an appearance, and he and his faintly alcohol-scented new teammates are very entertaining. This story maintains temporal and locational continuity - it is a single flowing scene, not broken up like the other two - and it does it well. I really felt the barroom setting here - the close, intimate space where everyone's elbow is halfway to someone else's drink. What happens in the report feels like exactly the sort of thing that would happen there - right down to the team name (at least I think that's the team name).
The main problem I have with this story (insofar as I have any) is that some of the minor characters get lost in the shuffle. Derik and Gall I feel I know, and Suicide, and to some extent Gremlin, but... well, I'm having to check back to see who the others are. Saline comes and goes from the page in a flash, and Noir has only a little more screentime. Surprisingly, Unger's personality comes through very clearly, and he's only a mascot. And perhaps the neglect of two of their teammates comes simply from the length of the tale - a single scene can only be stretched so far, and some things always have to be cut.
The tale is told mostly through dialogue, and it works. Those agents who are shown in full are very well defined - and funny, too. Suicide and Diocletian's discussion of civilisation ("You know, that thing the Greeks invented?") is an instant classic, and there are other lines to match. This story was a wonderful read, and I applaud the team.
Whatever their name might be.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
Reports: AHAIRQL Season Two Recruitment Stories Two, Three and Four
Agents: Too many to count
Continuum: None. PPC HQ
Story Two: Team BOTB
(I don’t know why I didn’t get ‘Story’ One. Maybe there isn’t one. This is HQ, after all)
I’m quite taken by the recruitment method adopted by Team BOTB; the poster described in the story definitely makes an impression, and I’m glad it makes a second appearance (with a joke thrown in, thank you, Doc). I also find the interactions of the agents amusing – even the ones who do not end up on the team. I have no idea who Miah and, ah, Maria are, but they entertain me, which is the purpose of this whole exercise.
One thing that does strike me about this work is the sheer number of agents involved; it can be hard to keep track of them. Indeed, I think the chronicler had the same problem – Agent Vania vanishes from the narrative completely. Did she leave the room, or was she still testing her bat? It’s impossible to say, but she seems the sort who would normally have spoken up.
However, that is a very minor detail in a highly enjoyable story. If the Powers That Be choose to send them my way, I would be quite happy to read more about these agents – particularly all together.
Story Three: Team Nevermind
I confess to being rather confused by this report, as it clearly has two authors. It is evident from the very beginning that there is a certain lack of… shall we say flair in some lines. Four agents in a row are given lines with very little emotion in them – it feels as though all four are speaking in a dull monotone (including the one who ‘comments’ an exclamation – very strange). This is not to say that there is a technical problem with the writing – it is perfectly sound – but it does not grab my attention, as it were.
But then, just as I’m about to give up hope, I come to our first team-member, Agent Earwig (I think that’s right). He is, to put it bluntly, hilarious: his internal monologue (brief though it may be) caught my eye, and I was hooked.
This strange dichotomy continues to the next section. Compare, if you will, these paragraphs:
"Hi," he said. "I'm Earwig Slugthrower and I wanted to know if you would be interested in joining my Something Something Australian Quidditch thing!"
And
"Six players? Quidditch has seven positions." She shrugged. "Must be an Australian variant." Decima tried to think of who might be interested in team sports. Mirrad didn't seem the type, and it might be weird playing on a team with her therapist. She had no idea where Phobos had gotten off to…
Earwig has a manic energy that captivates me – and, clearly, does the same to Decima, since she agrees to join his team with barely a second’s thought. But when her thoughts do come, they are… well, boring. She doesn’t question the difference in the game, and her list of potential players is just that: a list, with no real emotion (it might ‘be weird’ – but what about ‘feel weird’?). I’m positive she has emotions – most people do – but she’s clearly suppressing them heavily. This continues throughout the narrative – I won’t keep citing.
As often happens, the appearance of other characters offsets the dissatisfaction I feel. Ilraen and Nume are highly amusing together, and Ilraen seems to have a rare ability to bounce lines off anyone and everyone – I get the impression that, whoever he ends up spending time with, he is always worth watching. The four agents who appear at the end are also entertaining, although this may be somewhat due to their non-human personalities (and, bizarrely, Earwig seems to succumb to Decima’s lack of emotive writing). I find Kur’nak and his smelting almost endearing – even if he is an Orc.
Story Four: Team... Blast Hardcheese?
At last, a name I recognise! The (in)famous Agent Suicide, HQ's onetime biggest heartthrob, makes an appearance, and he and his faintly alcohol-scented new teammates are very entertaining. This story maintains temporal and locational continuity - it is a single flowing scene, not broken up like the other two - and it does it well. I really felt the barroom setting here - the close, intimate space where everyone's elbow is halfway to someone else's drink. What happens in the report feels like exactly the sort of thing that would happen there - right down to the team name (at least I think that's the team name).
The main problem I have with this story (insofar as I have any) is that some of the minor characters get lost in the shuffle. Derik and Gall I feel I know, and Suicide, and to some extent Gremlin, but... well, I'm having to check back to see who the others are. Saline comes and goes from the page in a flash, and Noir has only a little more screentime. Surprisingly, Unger's personality comes through very clearly, and he's only a mascot. And perhaps the neglect of two of their teammates comes simply from the length of the tale - a single scene can only be stretched so far, and some things always have to be cut.
The tale is told mostly through dialogue, and it works. Those agents who are shown in full are very well defined - and funny, too. Suicide and Diocletian's discussion of civilisation ("You know, that thing the Greeks invented?") is an instant classic, and there are other lines to match. This story was a wonderful read, and I applaud the team.
Whatever their name might be.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
Sunday, 15 April 2012
A Very Awkward Exorcism
Well, this is interesting. I'm pretty sure records of agents' training are supposed to be confidential... on the other hand, this is a mission report, so I suppose that doesn't apply. Still, it makes an interestingly different read. Let's see.
Mission: A Very Awkward Exorcism
Agents: Sergio Turbo and Nikki Cherryflower, Floaters
Continuum: Card Captor Sakura
I find this report to be a very good introduction to PPC proceedures. Agent, er, Nikki fills the role of 'naive protagonist' perfectly - she's clever enough that things don't need to be beaten in the ground, but ignorant enough to make the introductions she gets purposeful. I may recommend to the Marquis that we give copies of this to new recruits, to teach them what we're about. I particularly like the fact that the training doesn't stop when they enter the fic - Sergio is clearly a natural at this.
On the other hand, I'm sorry to say he seems a little too fond of his own voice. The vast majority of his report is dialogue, often with no tags to indicate who is talking - although that isn't an issue, he shows us his personality and Nikki's very well, so I can tell who's who. Nevertheless, the constant speech is a little tiring - I'd appreciate a little description at times, not so much of the surroundings, but of Nikki's reactions. Body language is still language, and I'm sure she had some.
On the subject of reactions... I've never met Sergio or Nikki in person (I don't get out much), but they come across as very hard-hearted. Sergio admits that Sakura is his Lust Object, and yet has barely any response to watching her be raped. Perhaps he's a recent transfer from Bad Slash, but I wonder whether he's simply blocking the memory - to the unfortunate detriment of his report.
But perhaps I'm being too harsh. Certainly his reactions towards the end were genuine - both the attraction and the embarassment - so he clearly has a normal emotional range. Perhaps his purpose in this report was to present his training of Nikki in a clear, unadorned manner, and he decided to cut out his own reactions for clarity's sake. Either way, I think he is worth watching - not that I have any choice in what reports I receive. Still, I'd like to read more.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
Mission: A Very Awkward Exorcism
Agents: Sergio Turbo and Nikki Cherryflower, Floaters
Continuum: Card Captor Sakura
I find this report to be a very good introduction to PPC proceedures. Agent, er, Nikki fills the role of 'naive protagonist' perfectly - she's clever enough that things don't need to be beaten in the ground, but ignorant enough to make the introductions she gets purposeful. I may recommend to the Marquis that we give copies of this to new recruits, to teach them what we're about. I particularly like the fact that the training doesn't stop when they enter the fic - Sergio is clearly a natural at this.
On the other hand, I'm sorry to say he seems a little too fond of his own voice. The vast majority of his report is dialogue, often with no tags to indicate who is talking - although that isn't an issue, he shows us his personality and Nikki's very well, so I can tell who's who. Nevertheless, the constant speech is a little tiring - I'd appreciate a little description at times, not so much of the surroundings, but of Nikki's reactions. Body language is still language, and I'm sure she had some.
On the subject of reactions... I've never met Sergio or Nikki in person (I don't get out much), but they come across as very hard-hearted. Sergio admits that Sakura is his Lust Object, and yet has barely any response to watching her be raped. Perhaps he's a recent transfer from Bad Slash, but I wonder whether he's simply blocking the memory - to the unfortunate detriment of his report.
But perhaps I'm being too harsh. Certainly his reactions towards the end were genuine - both the attraction and the embarassment - so he clearly has a normal emotional range. Perhaps his purpose in this report was to present his training of Nikki in a clear, unadorned manner, and he decided to cut out his own reactions for clarity's sake. Either way, I think he is worth watching - not that I have any choice in what reports I receive. Still, I'd like to read more.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
City Escape
And so it continues. What is this, Implausible Crossovers? That's Narto's old department... oh, Nar.
Okay. Pull myself together. Bad Terri, no reminiscing. Review. If I keep this up, the R&R Division will give me a part-time job.
Mission: City Escape/dead space sega style, Feeling Sorry, WHEEL OF TRAGETY
Agents: Florestan and Eusabius, DIC
Continua: Sonic, Dead Space, Mario, Banjo-Kazooie
I am quite terrified at the prospect of agents being given three missions at once, even short ones such as these - think of the filing! But if it has to happen, these three were a good match for each other. I'm surprised Agents Florestan and Eusabius didn't protest more, but I note that their file shows them to have a rather antique origin, so perhaps they were simply too polite.
The presentation of the differing styles of the three fics - script, centred, parenthetical - was masterful; I truly felt the agents' pain as they found themselves in each new situation. Perhaps the least fleshed-out was the centred story - it is mentioned once, and is amusing, but seems to fade into the background. I'm sure they felt the pressure of that centring more than they let on - and perhaps they should have written more about it. For someone like me, stuck in the Archives all day, it would have been an interesting read.
I do wonder at the language the pair use - look, it's even affecting me. I'm inclined to wonder whether they're playing on some reputation they have in HQ (I wouldn't know) and exaggerating their formality somewhat in the retelling. My suspicions on this front are strengthened by the fact that they occasionally slip into colloquial speech - the final 'Let's do this!' is one example. On the other hand, who knows? We've had stranger folk in here.
One point I do take issue with is during the climax of their third mission: one of the agents, Florestan, gives a 'review' to an author-wraith (described as a Sue-wraith, which I believe is department policy - precision is vital in DIC, where Sue-wraiths and slash-wraiths are both common). Unfortunately, this 'review', while appropriate in tone, nevertheless blurs towards being a flame. An insulting term is used towards the writer of the story - which is frowned on in most departments (the proposal for a Department of Author Abuse never got off the ground). My only consolation is that I'm inclined to think this 'review' was never actually given - it reads like a 'brilliant retort I would have made'.
On the whole, though I admit to not having any knowledge of the canons involved, I found this suitably entertaining. A few flaws, but far better than those agents who refuse to release their reports at all. I'd much rather have something to read than nothing.
-Terri Ryan, Dept. of
-- oh yes, and I found a bizarre piece of overprinting in my copy. The 'fourth wall' line in the third mission, for some reason, has folded on top of itself. Strange.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
Okay. Pull myself together. Bad Terri, no reminiscing. Review. If I keep this up, the R&R Division will give me a part-time job.
Mission: City Escape/dead space sega style, Feeling Sorry, WHEEL OF TRAGETY
Agents: Florestan and Eusabius, DIC
Continua: Sonic, Dead Space, Mario, Banjo-Kazooie
I am quite terrified at the prospect of agents being given three missions at once, even short ones such as these - think of the filing! But if it has to happen, these three were a good match for each other. I'm surprised Agents Florestan and Eusabius didn't protest more, but I note that their file shows them to have a rather antique origin, so perhaps they were simply too polite.
The presentation of the differing styles of the three fics - script, centred, parenthetical - was masterful; I truly felt the agents' pain as they found themselves in each new situation. Perhaps the least fleshed-out was the centred story - it is mentioned once, and is amusing, but seems to fade into the background. I'm sure they felt the pressure of that centring more than they let on - and perhaps they should have written more about it. For someone like me, stuck in the Archives all day, it would have been an interesting read.
I do wonder at the language the pair use - look, it's even affecting me. I'm inclined to wonder whether they're playing on some reputation they have in HQ (I wouldn't know) and exaggerating their formality somewhat in the retelling. My suspicions on this front are strengthened by the fact that they occasionally slip into colloquial speech - the final 'Let's do this!' is one example. On the other hand, who knows? We've had stranger folk in here.
One point I do take issue with is during the climax of their third mission: one of the agents, Florestan, gives a 'review' to an author-wraith (described as a Sue-wraith, which I believe is department policy - precision is vital in DIC, where Sue-wraiths and slash-wraiths are both common). Unfortunately, this 'review', while appropriate in tone, nevertheless blurs towards being a flame. An insulting term is used towards the writer of the story - which is frowned on in most departments (the proposal for a Department of Author Abuse never got off the ground). My only consolation is that I'm inclined to think this 'review' was never actually given - it reads like a 'brilliant retort I would have made'.
On the whole, though I admit to not having any knowledge of the canons involved, I found this suitably entertaining. A few flaws, but far better than those agents who refuse to release their reports at all. I'd much rather have something to read than nothing.
-Terri Ryan, Dept. of
-- oh yes, and I found a bizarre piece of overprinting in my copy. The 'fourth wall' line in the third mission, for some reason, has folded on top of itself. Strange.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
Saturday, 14 April 2012
Gaspard in Aperture/sarah in aperture
I honestly have no idea what's going on any more. After that wodge of old reports I was sent, I assumed that was it - but now I'm receiving current Intelligence reports for some reason? Well, at least it's more interesting than Gen's latest origami-report (space-warping powers, yes; paper-folding, not so much).
Mission: Gaspard in Aperture/sarah in aperture
Agent: Gaspard De Grasse, Intel
Continuum: Portal
I find Agent De Grasse's (Gaspard's?) depiction of life in Intel's Action Division endlessly fascinating. I didn't even know they had a cubicle farm, but Gaspard makes it not only a learning experience, but entertaining as well. His colleague Angus takes constructive console abuse to a new level, and my only complaint is that I find myself a little confused over the scale of the whole thing. The only number given is a cubicle address, 'Cubicle 5294, Stupidity Lane', which even by the most conservative estimates gives well over 10,000 Intel Action Agents. I think we would have noticed that - but then again, I suppose consecutive numbering never did catch on here.
I do have to query Gaspard's interpretation of his interaction with the DIA. From what I've seen, DIA operatives may be dismissive, but they never display the overt contempt Gaspard describes. Either a member of their team was having a seriously bad day (which I'm sure the Tiger Lily would never allow), or Gaspard is exaggerating somewhat (and in a less generous frame of mind I might say 'making it up'). Presumably what actually happened was that he told them his RA might be broken, and refused to explain further - or, of course, that earpiece of his (do Intel have those?) was a prank given to him by persons unknown. You never can tell with agents.
Nevertheless, I did reach the end of this report satisfied that my time had not been wasted. Gaspard's slow realisation of exactly what sort of predicament he was in is near-perfect - and I firmly approve of his decision to let certain quotes from the 'fic stand on their own. Those lines don't require narrative commentary, and I'm glad it wasn't offered.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
Mission: Gaspard in Aperture/sarah in aperture
Agent: Gaspard De Grasse, Intel
Continuum: Portal
I find Agent De Grasse's (Gaspard's?) depiction of life in Intel's Action Division endlessly fascinating. I didn't even know they had a cubicle farm, but Gaspard makes it not only a learning experience, but entertaining as well. His colleague Angus takes constructive console abuse to a new level, and my only complaint is that I find myself a little confused over the scale of the whole thing. The only number given is a cubicle address, 'Cubicle 5294, Stupidity Lane', which even by the most conservative estimates gives well over 10,000 Intel Action Agents. I think we would have noticed that - but then again, I suppose consecutive numbering never did catch on here.
I do have to query Gaspard's interpretation of his interaction with the DIA. From what I've seen, DIA operatives may be dismissive, but they never display the overt contempt Gaspard describes. Either a member of their team was having a seriously bad day (which I'm sure the Tiger Lily would never allow), or Gaspard is exaggerating somewhat (and in a less generous frame of mind I might say 'making it up'). Presumably what actually happened was that he told them his RA might be broken, and refused to explain further - or, of course, that earpiece of his (do Intel have those?) was a prank given to him by persons unknown. You never can tell with agents.
Nevertheless, I did reach the end of this report satisfied that my time had not been wasted. Gaspard's slow realisation of exactly what sort of predicament he was in is near-perfect - and I firmly approve of his decision to let certain quotes from the 'fic stand on their own. Those lines don't require narrative commentary, and I'm glad it wasn't offered.
-T. Ryan, Dept. of Personnel, DOGA Archivist
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